Helter Skelter
by VividBlues
Summary: Soifon talks about her life.


A.N.: I don't know if it was such a good idea to write in a bad mood. But as much as I'd like to tell you to blame Soldier and siyentista for this, this piece of angst is all my doing. Even though I don't own Bleach. And I got the title from the Beatles' song, Helter Skelter.

* * *

Helter Skelter

Now that these things are in a distant past, I feel like I understand all of it better. I can see my mistakes, I can see what went wrong - what could have never worked out. What really pains me, though, is this constant question I have no answer for: is this not just a lie, a convenient lie I'm used to telling myself so I can move on with my life? It doesn't matter, one way or the other, as truth is, I don't have any other option except to keep moving on. But I can't help but think I'd feel so much more confident and peaceful if I could be sure I'm over this whole mess.

And how can I be sure of that either?

My life was a mess from the start. I was raised to do something I clearly would never be able to, and that is, to serve with my body and soul a person who didn't want any of those things. Shihouin Yoruichi was an admirable person for seeing everyone around her as her equal, for dismissing titles and formalities. At the same time, that point of view made her easily dismiss people who wasted the potential she was sure everyone was born with. And that's how noble and commoner in her eyes traded places with skilled and unskilled. I'm not saying she ever was the kind of arrogant person who bullies the weak; she always made sure to protect them instead. Still, she wouldn't give a second thought about a person she considered weak - and I don't think she even noticed that.

I did, though, and I knew the only way to be by her side, to fulfill my purpose, would be to become the most powerful I could. To my greatest surprise and relief, she didn't seem to regard me as the weakling I knew I really was. But I wasn't fooled; I had much to improve before I'd be worth even a quarter of her kindness towards me. The time I spent then in her company was probably the most confusing period of my life until now; to be held in her high esteem made me feel like I was at the top of the world, but threading on a thin line. She never really cared about my devotion to serve her, so I convinced myself the best way I could serve her was by becoming a warrior she could be proud of. For that's what she wanted, except that she didn't. The harder I tried, the harder she told me not to worry so much about it, that I was doing great already. I couldn't understand that at all; I knew I was far from good then, and I knew she couldn't care for a weak person. And that's when she almost convinced me she actually cared for me because I was her friend.

I'm an assassin. That's the truth that gives me the greatest feeling of security; the truth of who I am, of my place in this world today. As an assassin, my only convictions lays in death. Death is the only sure thing about life; maybe only in death I'll find the peace I've been looking for in the wrong places. But I'm not about to kill myself; if I could do that, I'd have done it already. I long accepted that I'm fated to just keep on living with these confusing emotions and this irrational hope. Hope for what? For better days? For an answer to my questions, for finding out the meaning of this life? There's no such answer, or, if there is one, we're all just too stupid to be able to understand it. So, since I can't find it, I'll just keep doing what I do. I kill people. That's all.

For a brief moment in my life, however, I thought I was getting close to that answer. For a brief moment, I believed I was in love. I really did, silly as that may sound, and I just can't believe it anymore because I don't understand anymore any of my feelings. Maybe I'm still in love with her, maybe I never was, for that matter. But the only thing sillier than believing I loved her was believing I hated her. When she left me, I realised what a lie I had been living all that time. It didn't matter to her that she made me believe she truly cared for me, she truly wanted me by her side forever, whatever the circumstances. Worse yet, I couldn't go back to my initial beliefs either, since I couldn't be her mindless servant anymore. I was completely lost for the first time in my life - I guess that's what it means to be an adult. But I refused to feel confused anymore: everything was her fault, I hated her, I'd surpass her, capture her, and that would be the new purpose of my existance. The convenient thing about it was that I could keep her as the center of my life. I do feel ashamed of it, but it was this childishness that turned me into the powerful person I am today. I can appreciate life's taste for the ironic.

Anyway, she came back, and shattered all my beliefs once again. I was still sufficiently in touch with my emotions then to realise I wasn't angry at her for betraying Soul Society. I wasn't even angry at her for lying to me. I was just hurt for being left behind. It was pathetic, really. And that sorry sight didn't fit anymore with the new image I created for myself. That's when I started to lose touch with my feelings, I think. Since I knew I had been so childish and so wrong about everything, I pretended my mistake had never happened, and I pretended I could go back to the way things were before, but a little wiser now. And of course I just had to go an make myself look even more pathetic when I finally comprehended she never bought this act. She didn't want things to go back to the way they were; she had never even liked it then. So, when she threw that truth in my face, that I wasn't fooling anyone, except maybe for myself, and that I could never understand her, I knew there was nothing more holding our frail relationship together. We weren't friends, we weren't partners, we weren't anything. So, the natural solution was that, to fall apart.

And now you come to me, like some kind of diplomatic envoy opening up negotiations. I won't pretend I understand this; it's true I never understood her. It's true she never understood me either, and never really wanted to. She found it easier to try and change me, to the point that now I don't even understand myself. Since you're such a clever person, maybe you can make some sense of all of that. As for her, tell her to do as she pleases. That's what she'll end up doing anyway. I'm tired of this.

I'm too tired of this. Let me go back to work now.


End file.
